I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble
I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don’t want to be,
“Why are you afraid?” Jimmie finally questions with a glance over at Candiss as she lets out a sigh.
This was something that she never talked about. It was a story that she wanted to leave in her past, and focus on the world moving forward. She hadn’t ever told anyone the truth, even Dom. Jimmie was the first person to bring up her childhood.
“I don’t want to be a bad mother,” she says quietly. “I don’t want to make the mistakes that my parents made.” She then looked over at Jimmie. “It seems crazy to say out loud because I haven’t done what they’ve done, but I still find myself with a bit of worry.”
“May I ask what happened?” He asks as she takes a deep breath. She knew that Jimmie deserved to know the truth, out of anyone in her life. He had been open to her about everything in his past, so it seemed only fair to do the same in return.
“I grew up in a drug filled home. My parents were always either drunk or high, and when they were both, they were fighting. I can still hear their loud, pitched aggressive voices in my mind. It’s why I rebelled. It was why I started to do whatever I could. I had to get out of that mess.” Jimmie shakes his head, understanding.
“I started street racing because of the thrill of speed, and so many other reasons. However, I think in the later years, I used it as an escape from the stress that I experience being a stockcar driver. I used it as my getaway tool.” He then looks at her, finding his heart breaking for her in the process. “I know it’s not the same as what you went through, as your situation was more extreme, but I understand your reasons.” Candiss shakes her head, understandingly, as she finds herself trembling a little in reflecting back to what happened in her childhood. It was easier to shut everything out. How would she go through in giving Jimmie the whole story?
“I think I started what I did to get away, to have that escape that you talk about. However, it also a way for me to believe that I could change things for myself. You win a couple races, you get some money in your pocket and perhaps you can pave yourself a new road to happiness. See, when I was younger, my mother had a job but she never did anything for me. The money always went to the addiction; I was just supposed to survive with the second-hand clothes, and toys that I was able to find on the streets. By making some extra cash for myself, I could get myself things, and I could find a way to get out of there.” Jimmie shakes his head, understanding. It was no wonder why she had such a hard exterior and hated to see details of her life with others as it was a hard exterior that formed when she was a child in having to deal with everything.
“I can’t even imagine having to go through that…” She takes a deep breath, debating where to continue with her side of the story next.
“Not seeing their love, not getting that proper parenting that others get, I guess I’m worried that I’m going to screw up if I become a mother myself. I don’t know…” Jimmie wraps an arm around her shoulders.
“It’s a reasonable fear to have, given what happened. However, I also know how sweet of a person that you can be, and I think that you’d make an amazing mother. Besides, I’d be right here to support you.” She looks over at him with a smile.
“It’s still strange to be talking about having a family so soon…” He chuckles, shaking his head agreement. There were times that he didn’t think it’d be possible with the life that he led before.
“It’s because we love each other so much and know that we can never be apart, ever.” She shakes her head in response as she leans in and kisses his lips. “May I ask you one more question?” She shakes her head yes. “Were your parents ever abusive towards you?” She found her breath hitch in hearing the question, flashbacks flooding through her mind.
“They never hit me and caused me bodily harm, but I guess you could say there was a layer of mental abuse. I learned at an early age that when they were under the influence, I couldn’t talk to them as they’d get aggressive with their comments in return. The things that they called me, you wouldn’t believe.” Jimmie keeps her held close, as he rubs her arm lightly.
“Well, I can tell you that none of those words are true, no matter what they told you. I can tell you that you’re an amazing, beautiful, stunning, determined, remarkable, great human being that I love dearly, and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else tonight.” She finds herself staring into his eyes, flashbacks of words that she was called flashing through her mind.
“Do you promise to not leave me?” He could sense the fear and shivering in her voice as he pulled her even closer to her, if possible with how close they were already.
“I promise to never let you go and to always be by your side. I love you so much, and I don’t want to see you afraid, sad, or lonely.” A small smile forms on her face as she leans her head against his chest. He then rubs her back lightly as she slowly closes her eyes.