Unchartered Waters – Chapter 28: A Whirlwind of Thoughts and Time

Chase’s POV

Tuesday October 26 – Dawsonville, Georgia

Taking a deep breath, it was actually nice to finally reach the top of this mountain.

Maybe Jimmie was right in saying that a good bike ride cleared the mind, but was it possible to do that? After all, there were so many things to think about.

Everybody kept saying that we were in a good place with regards to the playoffs, over 30 points above the cutoff line. They say just make sure you have a solid day at Martinsville and you’ll be fine. However, one lap at Kansas proved to debunk that theory if you ask Martin or Kyle, right?

But I couldn’t be bothered to think about that right now. After all, there’s nothing that will change by dwelling or thinking of every scenario. Alan and I just needed to go there, do our job, and everything will work out as it’s meant to be.

Instead, this was my time to think about other stuff, the type of stuff that kept you up at night, and the type of stuff that made you wonder.

If you would have asked me about Ryan eight months ago, I could have told you a straight ass answer about everything. Things were perfect, we were moving forward at a pace we both enjoyed, and absolutely loved everything about it. Of course, that changed by a decision that he made – that I set in motion by allowing her in his orbit.

I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I hated myself for allowing her to spend time and create a connection. But then as time went by, you realized if they could do that, then maybe it wasn’t what you thought it was supposed to be.

I was mad at Ryan, furious and didn’t want anything to do with him for a good bit of the summer. It sucked, because there were certainly things that I wish I could’ve been doing instead of dwelling on everything.

But wrong or right, I knew I couldn’t lose the friendship that we had together. After all, that went back to when we were teenagers and so much depth. It’s why I slowly let it go, allowed myself to spend time with him, hang out with Ryan. We went to a couple shows together, went golfing together, and chatted at the track.

The friendship is great to have, and something I’m glad we haven’t lost. However, there’s no way I have forgot about everything that happened. There’s no way that I can absolutely forgive him fully, and ever go back to what we had. I’m not about to be played again, or even open that window of opportunity.

Perhaps my bad luck with love is why I’ve avoided someone else, who maybe means even more than Ryan now. Don’t tell me you get screwed over twice in two different ways, and are scared of it happening again.

Alex and I were right on the verge of opening the door. We had confessed our feelings for each other, and he even shared that he wasn’t sure how to move forward – never having done this before. I had shared that I was willing to take him down that road – slowly, but do it. We said all the right things, began hanging out….

Then, it was like nothing happened.

As the summer months came, we drew apart. He focused more on his midget and sprint, while I focused on having fun on the water with the buddies. We both got tied up in our separate racing issues and yet never found time despite being at the same track to say hi to each other.

Truthfully, maybe I was purposely avoiding the interaction. Maybe that’s why I made sure to sit as far as I could from him in the team meetings. Maybe that’s why I kept our text messages brief. Maybe it was that fear coming out of being hurt, again.

Though with each passing week, I found my eyes drawing back towards him, watching him closely. I found myself asking what could be, what could happen next. What have I thrown away by fear? What if there was something truly there I was missing? After all, I couldn’t describe what that man did to me at times so maybe it’s worth exploring.

Glancing at my phone, a simple text message or phone call would answer those questions. I could ask if he wanted to get together, see if he still had the same feelings, or if my fear had closed a door that I had wished would open for years.

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 27: The Nashville Trip

Ryan’s POV

Monday, June 14 – Nashville, Tennessee

The text message was left unanswered. I know it went through and I know he read it – receipts are turned on, fyi, but yet there was no answer.

He could’ve just said no thank you. He could’ve said he wasn’t interested. He could’ve said that he was busy, other plans. He could’ve even flat out told me he wanted nothing to do with me after the stunt I pulled last week.

Instead, he read it and didn’t answer it, and that hurt more because that wasn’t something he had ever done to me, or to anyone for that matter. He always answered his messages, even if he kept them real short.

That’s why instead of this great party fun we talked about upon hearing Nashville was on the schedule how now turned into just me and Isabelle sitting her at a table, running out of basic conversation to have.

Oh, I had offered Bubba to come but he at least had the courtesy to let me know he could not due to being busy, and maybe later in the week.

“Maybe he’s just trying to create extra distance due to a mixture of thoughts, fears, and emotions,” Isabelle tried to assure me when I told her about the lack of response. Heck, even her being surprised proved to me enough what I needed to know.

“Or maybe he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore,” was my automatic heartbroken response. What else was I supposed to say anymore?

“He wouldn’t had accepted your invite to watch the World of Outlaws or been frien-”

“You also forget the text messages that I sent last week since then.” I sounded like a pity party, but truth be told, that’s all I could feel every time I glanced at my phone.

“You know him better than anyone else, Ryan. This is just a phase. He even told you that he wouldn’t totally give up on the friendship. You’ve been through break-ups before – distance allows you time to think, put everything in perspective. I think the text reminded him of what could’ve been with you, and now he just wants distance so he can figure out how to move forward.”  We all knew what that could mean, and that included the possibility of losing my best friend forever.

“What if I lost him forever? I don’t want to lose my best friend over a mistake.” I bit my tongue as soon the words escaped my mouth, and bit it harder in seeing the hurt expression on her face. “I didn’t mean it like tha-”

“You still said the words, Ryan.” She had been comforting my pity, so I guess she deserved the rightful explanation for why I said what I did.

“As I’ve told you, the feelings have always been there. I acted on those feelings and the kiss, the night together, they confirmed those feelings are legit. However, I made a mistake in making a move without talking to Chase first, without respecting what we had together, and without thinking of the possible consequences. I allowed one feeling to overpower another, when truth be told, I don’t know what I want more at this point – as I told you Sunday.” I could only pray that I was on-track with my words because I felt even worse now. Not only had I ruined a friendship with my best friend, but I was also chasing away my closest confident with my stupid comments.

“It’s okay, I understand what you’re saying. It just hurt to even think that the kiss was remotely a mista-”

“Trust me, I went about it wrong, but I know it wasn’t a mistake because part of me wants to feel those lips against mine once again.” Maybe it was the loneliness speaking and making it come out more so than it had been, but I also knew somewhere in my heart those words were true.

“And as I told you, I’m ready to feel your skin against mine – but only when you’re truly ready. I know you’re hurting Ryan, but tonight isn’t that night.” She obviously saw through it before I did, the same way Alex saw through Chase’s original advances. I wonder if he ignored me because they were hooking up somewhere in Nashville instead.

“I know, and I respect you enough to not do that to you. But I do thank you for your company and advice and someone to talk to while I sort through all of this.”

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 26: The Stale Portion of Life

#12: Ryan Blaney, Team Penske, Ford Mustang Menards/Wrangler

Ryan’s POV

Sunday, June 13 – Texas Motor Speedway

I had all these reasons to watch Chase Elliott for everything that was going on.

But damn, the on-track reason doesn’t need to be there to add another layer. I don’t know what they’re doing, but they’ve certainly gotten something figured out because I spent most of my night looking at the back of those Camaros. I know I say I like to look at Elliott’s ass, but damn, not that ass.

Honestly, though, I feel good about the improvement made because at least we could somewhat hang with them and not really anybody has said anything along those lines for awhile now. Do I think we can beat them? Meh, not quite.

“Nice job tonight,” I hear and a smile forms on my face.

I knew Isabelle was here tonight, she was on my list of VIPS, and I hadn’t had enough time to find someone else to come so she was left on the list. Truth be told, it didn’t bother me either way even with everything going on right now. She was still one of a few that I could talk to about it, and she was still the closest person I had to me right now. If I could figure out what I wanted to do, and maybe let that man go finally, then we could truly find more on those emotions.

“Thank you,” I reply back, allowing her to see the smile. Despite everything, I hoped she realized I still cared.

“I was surprised when I got the phone call from the pilot asking for me to be at the airport for fly out time, and to come this weekend,” she starts, obviously not missing a beat. Remember the time spent apart? Yeah, here we go…. “I haven’t seen you in a while, Ryan. I haven’t seen you since our discussion.”

“I apologize about that. I just have a lot on my mind,” and you are just the tip of the iceberg.

“So obviously there was food to my thought in what I said to you…” She isn’t lying there, as I certainly have been thinking a lot about Chase the past couple of weeks.

“I reached out to Chase. We had a moment one weekend when I watched the World of Outlaws with him and his dad when my coverage went out. It felt like old times to a degree. I then asked him if we could hang out again, but probably pushed the boundaries a little more than I should, and he changed the direction.” I still regretted every message I sent. I was still punching myself in the gut. I even wanted to send another message to apologize, but damn, I couldn’t find the way to allow my fingers to type that.

“As I predicted, you still have feelings for him, and you are still not ready to let him go totally.” I think anybody who knew what Chase and I had would have the same reaction to that. It was so easily written on every ounce of the bond we shared, and what we meant to each other. Plus, wasn’t that normally the assumption with any relationship that lasted a long time? You don’t just forget about the person.

“You’re right, but I also don’t want to cheapen us, either, and that’s why I apologized. I felt something special with me, I saw something, that’s why I reached for the kiss. Everything that followed reassured that, and trust me when I say this as we stand here – it’s still here. I could probably reach out, kiss you, and move forward like nothing. But I don’t want to do that because you’re right in your words in that I shouldn’t dive into something until I’m absolutely certain. It’s just so hard to decide what to do because both feel so much different, and yet special in their own ways.” Can I just have both cakes, please? That’d make things so much easier.

“The fact that you’re taking the time, trying to create distance, giving yourself space to think and discuss feelings and see what you want – that’s all I need to know. It shows me that you care about my feelings beyond just the simple things. I can’t wait forever, but I am willing to give you some time because of how special I believe our time together was, and how special we could be together.” When she says words like that, it makes me just want to dive right in and forget everything else that I am thinking of. Why fight for what I can’t have when there’s someone here ready to cure the wounds away?

“I won’t make you wait forever, I’ll give you that much benefit. I just hope that you’re going to accept my invitation to join me at Nashville this weekend.” Nashville was something we all discussed – myself, Chase and Isabelle – about having a great time, enjoying the city, doing everything, and totally embracing the experience. Even with things the way they were, I was hoping to make something happen here.

“Nashville isn’t something that I could ever dream up going to. I was going to go, whether invited with you or as a fan. The only question that remains – what’s in the cards for the weekend?”

“Let’s just say you better hold on tight,” because if you know anything about me and Nashville, things were about to hit a new level.

It also inspired me to glance at my phone once more, and wonder what could be with him involved…..

Ryan: I apologize once again for overstepping boundaries. Nashville was supposed to be the best party thought of so I am going to keep the door open. I was wondering if you wanted to join me in some fun.

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 25: The Text Message

#12: Ryan Blaney, Team Penske, Ford Mustang DEX Imaging

Ryan’s POV

Tuesday, June 10 – North Carolina

I stared at my phone. The words felt like they were stabbing me in the chest, twisting me in so many ways possible to the point I could feel physical pain. They were so simple and so easily typed originally, but yet the simple chore of the final step in clicking a button was almost impossible.

If I sent and he accepted, it’d be like a weight lifted off my shoulders. It would like things were ready to return back to normal to a degree and I’d have my best friend back. At the end of the day, that’s all I wanted, even if I loathed for more down the road. It would allow me to believe it was going to be okay, he was going to forgive me, and I hadn’t thrown everything away in a single night.

If I sent and he didn’t accept, that’d be like dropping a wrecking ball on me. It would crush every hope and dream that I had, everything that I felt and loathed for since that brief moment that night. It would feel as though my world was ending, and there’d be no one to turn to when I needed someone.

I had spent the time carefully crafting my words, only to delete those and go with something so much more simple. I had overcome the fear of things not going well, only for it to slap me harder in the face afterwards.

What did I have to lose? Everything.

What did I have to gain? The same answer.

But yet my finger could not find the desire to push the button – until now. At the end of the day, staring at a screen was not going to change anything or make these feelings go away. Not sending and even erasing wasn’t going to ease the thoughts. I already learned once before when time stood still what it could do to someone.

Ryan: Hey, I was wondering if we could hang out sometime this week, maybe this weekend.

Taking a deep breath, there was nothing I could now but wait. Wait and ponder every thought once again. Wait and ponder every thing that I had been telling myself. Wait and ponder, and worry, and second guess even sending it now.

The longer I’d wait, the probably worse those worries would get. Why had I bothered to send that message in the bloody first place? He told me he needed time, but oh no, I had to continue pushing on that closed door. Why couldn’t I wait damn patiently till he was ready?

Chase: I’m at the shop tomorrow. I could stop by the house afterwards.

I wasn’t expecting that. To be honest, I was expecting an instant no and shut slammed door in my face. But here he was, simply accepting, willing to come see me.

So many questions entered my mind based off those simple two sentences. Did he mean just as friends? Did he really want to see me? Did he ponder breaking it into more after thinking it over? Was there a possibility of getting back together? Had he been thinking about me since then, just like I thought of him?

Shit Ryan, what are you damn well doing? He deserves a response back. You should always send back and then contemplate every single damn decision.

Ryan: Sounds good. Be sure to have your fav on deck.

Many would call that drinks, but I knew better given the fact he’d probably be flying home, not staying the night as he would have so many other times before. Instead, it was snacks and food. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, how much I appreciated him opening the door.

But wait, what if that was pushing things? He probably just accepted as a friend, and here I go with the grand gesture and everything because of how badly I still crave for him. What if I chase him away, pun intended?

Chase: U don’t need to do that, man.

That text right there confirmed every bit of my fears in pushing it. that was his signal that he didn’t need the grand gesture, or anything special because this was just as a friends.

Besides, I already probably knew what was happening. I saw Alex stop by in victory lane and I lingered long enough to know it was a close heart-to-heart conversation. I bet if I would’ve stayed longer that more would’ve happened, and then onto the celebration that night.

Of course, I could be wrong and grand gesture may be pushed aside because he’s ready to open the door, but that’s wishful thinking.

I know what I did. I knew I hurt him. It was now my turn to suffer the consequences.

Most people would’ve thought that Isabelle and I hooked up by now more times – Alex probably betted on that fact, actually. Instead, I was listening to her advice and taking the time to realize what I truly wanted. It depended on the day and time, but it kept going between what was possible with her, to what I had just left behind in magic with him.

Now sitting here once again, rejections felt cold and made me want to sway immediately to something filled with love and passion. However, that just brought back memories of nights there and holy crap – I needed a damn cold shower.

Shit, I forgot about texting him again. What was I doing?

Ryan: I know, but I want to show how much I care and sorry I am.

There I go again, pushing boundaries. It was just like that night and the next day. He didn’t need to hear it, he probably was getting sick of it, but yet I kept saying it because I meant it. He would probably tell me it wouldn’t change a thing but wasn’t I allowed to hope and dream a little?

Chase: I know you’re sorry, but I can’t do this – I told you. I changed my mind. Maybe another time, bud.  

fuck fuck fuck damn damn damn what did I do? I should’ve just kept my bloody mouth shut, said thank you for accepting the invitation and moved on. Now I wouldn’t get to see him at all, not even as a friend and who wants to bet future invitations would be just ignored.

Damn it!

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 24: The Completely Tired Appearance

#9: Chase Elliott, Hendrick Motorsports, Chevrolet Camaro NAPA Auto Parts

Alex’s POV

Sunday June 6, 2021 – Sonoma Raceway

I was standing further away from him than I wanted, but there was just something about his appearance on pit road – totally drained, just wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. It seemed to carry over to his post-race media detail from what I gathered, completely skipping the bullpen and just having that look at a glance at the video from the media room.

My heart couldn’t help but care and want to reach out, with my arms wanting to wrap around him and hold, just help him in whatever way I could – the same caring that I had grown used to over those months and now seemingly disappeared. I thought the truth coming out, followed by our confessions would’ve done something different.

“Hey, are you okay?” I ask him as we finally cross paths following the event – him leaving victory lane having congratulated Kyle, me heading that way. It was so weird to telling Kyle these words as I expected to be doing it all year to Chase after last year’s road course domination.

“Yeah,” he answers without a pause. Perhaps I was overthinking this, but I couldn’t help but allow my hand to touch his arm and get his attention.

“Are you sure, man? You just look completely tired, not wanting any part of this, upset.” Again, when it came to Chase, I couldn’t help but be a little over worrying sometimes and honest.

“I’m fine, just tired from a long hot day of battling, ready to head home and relax. The sooner I get everything done, the sooner I can get out of here..” I felt what he was saying as to be honest, hot weather and a winding road never made for an easy day in the office. I could probably use a cold shower, and a cold beer after the adventure I took to get here. But I was used to seeing that on Chase; this just seemed different.

“Any particular reason you want to get out of here quickly?” I know I shouldn’t ask, but damn, something was going on.

“Like I said, I’m tired and the sooner I get home, the sooner I can relax.” Truth be told, his response didn’t surprise me. I mean, this was Chase for you. He flew in for the race, did what he needed to do, and headed home. Meanwhile, a bunch of us – like myself – would come out here early, hang out and have some fun, before racing and heading home. I almost invited him out with us but didn’t want to overstep. “Alex, why the sudden questions?”

“I’m just worried about you. I haven’t seen you much over the past couple of weeks and I hate that, to be honest. I’d gotten used to our conversations. I thought things were going to grow after our confession. Did something change last week?” It probably did because after all, I made a couple stupid comments along the way – or I could be right and this was his way of hiding the Ryan fact from me. Either way, I know I said too much again here but damn it, I can’t help it. Is that a crime?

“Nothing changed, Alex. I still feel the same way about you as I did before. I still feel the same way about Ryan and what happened. I guess I’m just afraid to move forward with you because I don’t want to be hurt agai-”

“I told you that I would never hur-”

“I know what you said, and damn it, I believe you entirely. I fully believe every ounce of what you told me. But I don’t know, I just can’t dive right in. I guess I need time to catch my breath and be ready so that way I do this right with you. I don’t want to dive in and hurt you, or do the wrong thing.” I understood his words – been there, knew the feelings, and fully got what he meant. However, it didn’t make the distance and waiting any easier.

“When the time is right, will you let me know that exact second?” The chuckle and smile that followed on his face was all that I needed to hear.

“Alex, I kissed you. That should say something. You don’t have to worry – I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” The kiss was certainly something that I’d never forget, as a simple reminder brought a smile back to face – and my heart ached at the same time wishing for more of the same.

“I’ll hold you to that…”

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 23: COTA

#9: Chase Elliott, Hendrick Motorsports, Chevrolet Camaro LLumar

Alex’s POV

Sunday, May 23 – Circuit of the Americas

Seeing the big wide smile on his face, I could only share one of my own.

Was anybody really surprised that Chase Elliott won at COTA?

Sure, nobody wanted to win a race that was rain shortened. But let’s face it – he was the master of road courses after and he had driven away from the field at the end of the day with some of the quickest lap times.

He was also the same damn reason why I had ran so well today. He shared some tips during the meeting together, as well as additional tricks in the time we spent afterwards. Listening to him, I had managed to stay with the field and run inside the top-10, even when I couldn’t see a damn thing down the backstretch. Maybe that’s why I ran well – partial craziness.

He was also the reason why all four of us teammates were good here. He has continued to push our road course program to be stronger with his feedback. He tested here on behalf of Goodyear and shared all the data gained.

But all that wasn’t the main thought on my mind right now. No, the thought I had was he just won, and he deserves to be celebrated – even if others wanted to say this was a gift for him.

So upon completing my post-race obligations – debrief, interview, a little hydration and snack, I knew I had to go find him to say what I had to say. I mean, he visited victory lane for me and truthfully, that was maybe the most – okay, one of the top-five memorable moments of the celebration when he laid the peck on my cheek.

Though as I reached where he was, I couldn’t help but stop in my tracks in seeing the sight before me.

It was just weeks ago that it was revealed what he had done. It was just weeks ago that only anger and sadness was what Chase could think of. It was just days ago that he had mentioned working on trusting him just as a friend once again. But yet, here he was, standing right besides, and all the images would look like nothing had even changed.

“Congratulations,” I hear Ryan say which is typical of any driver, right? I mean, okay, maybe it’s just the jealousy or anger at him in what he could possibly do seething through.

“Thanks man,” Chase replies, and I hope he’s just enjoying the moment due to his own excitement over winning. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t the super tightest hug.

“Thanks for letting me come over last night. I really appreciated that.” Wait, what? Did he just say what I think he said? Considering how upset and angry Chase was, he allowed that man to step foot into his motorhome last night? What did they do? Why did I care so damn much?

“Any time man. I wouldn’t have wanted you to miss it.” Think Alex, think Alex. There has to be a reasonable explanation – oh yes, Dave won the World of Outlaws. Maybe Ryan had stream issues as it has happened to me before. That would explain it. They just sat and watched TV – but what if more happened? I mean, they do have quite the history together.

“Hope we can spend some more time together, again. I miss you…” Okay, that sounds like more happened. I wonder if the race and stream issues excuse was the front to open the door, and then feelings took over – you know, he just fell on him like his lips fell on Isabelle.

“I miss what we had, too..” That sounds a lot more forgiving and willing to possibly take a chance then move forward. What if what he told me was a total lie? What if he just fed that to me in the moment, but in reality this will be my future again moving forward?

“Maybe one day, Chase. I know I have to earn your respect back and like I told you, I’m truly sorry for what I did.” I watch as Ryan walks away with those words, and now my mind is so confused and wondering.

If something clearly happened more than intended, why would there be such sincere apologies? Why would they have the distance at the end, the same which has been felt from the beginning?

Then again, why would something even happen? Chase told me how angry he was. He told me he couldn’t open that door, due to what Kaitlyn had done before, due to knowing the pain. He wouldn’t allow himself to repeat past mistakes, would he?

“Alex?” His voice snaps me out of my thoughts as I look into those eyes, trying to read every question that I am asking myself out of them. “Are you okay?”

“Of course – you won!” I immediately let out, trying to cover everything immediately. There was no way I could let him know what I just saw, and thought for that matter. Sure, a couple words would clarify everything, but what if the ruined the dream bubble that I was in?

“I know you’re happy for me, and that’s why you came to see me, but I can also tell that something is on your mind.” How was it humanly possible that someone could read you so quickly and easily, even if you weren’t super super close yet?

“I saw you and Ryan just now. It made me wonder as to what happened last night, and what’s to come, and how affects us.” I had never lied to him, and I couldn’t do that now. If I was going to down, I would do so swinging and truthfully.

“Do you seriously believe that I would go back to him so quickly? Do you seriously believe that I’d just forget the hell we’ve gone through for months due to his damn lies? Do you seriously believe I am ready to be played again? Gosh Alex, it seems every time I try to let you in, you question every single motive – whether I’m doing it due to feelings that aren’t right, or due to Ryan.” He was right, as it seemed every moment I was worried so far. Why couldn’t I just be like Clint and others and just live in the moment?

“I guess because I’ve been hurt before and I’m scared of being hurt again. Like I told you, I’ve never done this before, but these feelings and connection I have for you are just so strong. That’s what makes me want to try so hard, but yet so scared that I am seeing something that’s not there or I am going to be hurt.” We were supposed to be celebrating, not having a confession of emotions. Why had this turned into the Alex pity show?

“Alex, I can promise you this – I will never hurt you, ever. I’m actually glad that you’re here as I wouldn’t want to celebrate a win with anybody else.” I couldn’t help but smile. If I ever needed to hear something, those were the words that I needed.

“I’m glad, because I look forward to celebrating more wins with you in the future.”

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 22: The Outlaw Celebration

Me and dad got to watch this one with RB, we were all three yelling on that last lap!! Pretty dang cool! #BuckeyeBullet https://t.co/IqW9o7fOgA

— Chase Elliott (@chaseelliott) May 23, 2021

Ryan’s POV

Saturday, May 22 – Circuit of the Americas

“You know who has a good chance tonight if you’re looking for a darkhorse? Dave Blaney,” I hear from the television and chuckle.

The thought of someone feeling they should even count Dad out was ridiculous. Those wins weren’t that long – okay, maybe they were. I guess 20 years goes by in a hurry. But still, it also brought a smile in knowing how much Dad could thrive in these situations.

Truth be told, though, he was the forgotten soul on the tour, lost in the shadows behind the budding stars and uncle Dale. It was nice to see them have a “told you so” moment in knowing he could prove himself in seeing how quick he was in the early stages.

Was this really happening? Was this real? Please don’t tell me it’s raining there and they threw on a old race for shits and giggles.

It had to be real, though. Brad Sweet and Sheldon Hauldenchild were not around back then. I was actually in a bit of awe in watching the moves he was making, the passes he was able to make at will, sliding that tail just enough sideways up high to make good time. Holy crap….

Wait, what the heck? The screen just went black. Every bit of awe and excitement disappeared with just 15 laps to go in seeing nothing on my screen. I didn’t touch any of my cords and Sturgill hadn’t moved from his spot alongside him so I knew he hadn’t either. It wasn’t like them to drop the feed, either, and a quick check of the phone revealed I was the only one faced with the great screen of death.

Why? Why tonight? I wouldn’t mind if it happened any other night but tonight – but why while Dad was having probably the best run of his career? Why not wait until another night? It wasn’t fair the world got to witness his greatness and I was left n the dark.

Think Ryan, think. You were surrounded by a bunch of fellow drivers. You couldn’t be the only one watching tonight. Heck, Ricky owned a team and Kyle loved these cars. I could go see them, but there was another person who I knew he was watching and a lot closer. I had to find a solution quickly because anybody knows no cautions and it’d be over before you knew it.

Just a couple steps outside the door and I was at his door, knocking in hopes he’d answer quickly. It felt weird to knock. I went months and months without knocking, just entering at will and getting comfortable as if it was my own home. It felt weird to be doing this now.

It was just one of the things that had changed, forever unfortunately, and regrettably over a decision. It was one of those things I knew I had to get used to among others, and I didn’t know if I could do that quite yet.

“Ryan,” he opens the door, full surprise written on his face.

Normally, he’d be yelling at me for knocking, demanding I get my ass inside quickly. There’d be a smile, possibly more to greet me. But now, it felt like we were back to ground zero – and I hated it. If anything, I just wanted my best friend back.

The other part of me almost made it seem that he was expecting someone else, like he’d moved on and was sharing meets with someone else here. it didn’t take much thinking to know who considering he’d been right there for months – and a mix of regret, questions, and jealousy came to be with just the simple thought of his name. It was like sometimes I was glad that Bubba threw that bottle of water at him that day.

“I didn’t mean to come over here, but my feed for the World of Outla-” I spit out quicker than I imagined, but still desperate to see the end. Focus, I needed to accomplish this if I wanted to see it.

“Come on in,” he says with a smile on his face. I was a little surprised considering the way things were the last time we saw each other, but he understood why I wanted to be here – the same reason he was at Road America in his dad’s return to the Xfinity Series.

For the next 10 minutes, it was like we were back to three months ago, back before everything happened, back before I cheated on him with Isabelle. Every conversation about what was happening fell into place, and our cheers aligned. The silence in the room turned into the three of us – oh yeah, Bill was here, too – cheering, as if our words could make my dad go even faster. But with each lap, it just seemed to be working.

Sheldon rarely makes mistakes, so my jaw dropped in seeing him run a little high off of turn two. However, that turned into a big scream in watching the gap between him and dad close, followed by dad flying by.

The perfect slide through turn four and it was like time stood still – or perhaps even felt like we were back a couple years, before I was a big Cup star, back when Chase was just my simple late model buddy who watched our dads race in the big leagues dreaming of being there one day.

But forget that – the bigger story was seeing the smile on dad’s face, the scream of excitement, arms fly high in the air, everything as to why I enjoyed winning myself these days. It was pure amazement.

“Hell yes!” Chase lets out, and I couldn’t help but smile once again. I could’ve experienced this alone, but damn, it felt good to share this moment with others.

The awkwardness I spoke of upon arrival subsided, and we returned to brief conversation in speaking of how practice had gone, the excitement of the night, and why the outlaws were fun to watch on any given night.

“Thank you, by the way,” I tell him as I get up to leave about 20 minutes later, knowing it was late and all three of us needed our rest. It was going to be a long day tomorrow.

“Hey, I wouldn’t wanted to be the reason why you missed your dad win,” he replies, to which I had to smile. If he kept me locked out and I missed these laps, though, he was right – I may have more to say. Then again, my regret and pain would’ve probably stopped that, too.

“I also wanted to let you know once again that I am sorry I hurt you. In the moment, it just felt right with Isabelle. I didn’t mean for it to happen – and I know that’s cliché, but the feelings led from one thing to another. I never meant to hurt you, hate that I did it, and I regret it. I miss spending time with you, Chase.” I didn’t intend to say all that – just a simple apology. But damn, the emotions just poured out of me. I really and truly missed my best friend.

“Part of me understands – unfortunately been there done that with someone,” which brings me to Kaitlyn, but never fell quickly from what I recalled. I also know we didn’t fall quickly together, either. Was he really expecting Alex earlier? Damn it Ryan – focus! “As I told you, I knew about something maybe there with Isabelle anyway. I was upset, and I am still mad, but like I said to you then, perhaps in due time we could be friends again and move forward. I enjoyed tonight. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.”

“Just let me know when and I’ll be there.”

It was a short walk back to my motorcoach, but I was brought back to the conversation with Isabelle. I so badly wanted to move forward with her, forget everything that happened and make due on the supposed mistake I did – make it worth it, right? However, she stopped me because she wanted to ensure I was doing the right thing, really get me to check my feelings.

Tonight was everything I was missing these months. Tonight was a throwback to why I enjoyed spending time with him – we connected on so many levels.

Truth be told, what if I couldn’t move on and he was ready to?  

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 21: The Pet Monster

#48: Alex Bowman, Hendrick Motorsports, Chevrolet Camaro Ally

Alex’s POV

Sunday, May 16 – Dover International Speedway

I laughed when William said that it’d be nice to have a pet monster, but now here he stood in victory lane, right beside me, and was coming home with me. It was surreal, when you consider everything today.

The No. 48 is used to dominating here. I’ve ran decent here, but nothing that you’d want to write a book about. However, today, there was just something special in the air after that pit stop, where I had every bit of confidence I could drive away to victory. Now, here I stood with my new best friend.

Though perhaps what was more surprising was the realization that not only Kyle finished behind me, but followed by Chase and William. It’s one thing to be fast, its one thing to dominate, but it’s another for everything to fall perfectly in-place for a 1-2-3-4. Folks, this is a special time to be alive so you better live it up.

I feel a cold liquid trickle down my neck, causing me to jump out of my skin – almost afraid that I was about to knock off Miles to his death. The usual congratulatory message you’d expect from your competitors. Though as I turn around to face the latest visitor, I couldn’t hide the smile on my face.

“Congratulations,” he says, offering a high-five. For a moment, I was expecting more, especially after our conversation on Wednesday. I began to wonder what he thought about my words, whether they affected what he was going to do next, or whether I’d kissed every chance with him away.

“Thank you,” I reply, easily offering it back in return. That gesture made everything the past couple weeks feel like nothing. Didn’t I at least deserve a hug? “Nice run there. It won’t be long before you’re celebrating a win, too.”

“I hope you stop by and say hello.” Remember what I said before? Ignore that and forget it, every bit of flirting and fun was coming back just with those words.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” and I mean that as I was hoping it was the first of many moments together.

“So, what are you planning to do with Miles?” I glanced over at the monster, still unsure. Most of my trophies found their way to the shop up on a shelf, but there was something special about this guy. “He actually is okay to bring in the house. I heard he’s a well-behaved monster, as long as Finn and Roscoe leave him alone.”

“Did Fletch leave yours alone?” I couldn’t help but wonder as we both understood as dog owners – they sometimes do some real strange things.

“Didn’t even flinch, actually. But then again, as long as he rubs and a ball, he’s a happy character. So, what’s the celebratory plan tonight?” I couldn’t help but smirk, even daydream a little. Too soon Alex, way too soon.

“Drinks with friends, nothing special as of right now. Maybe you could join me.” I almost didn’t say those last five words, but I wanted him to understand just how open I was about getting closer – even if there were nerves about aspects along the way. I wanted to assure him the door never closed.

“I’m fine with that, as long as you have a place for me to sleep afterwards.” There are many places – stop Alex, you haven’t even gotten to touching so how could you say that already?

“There’s always room for you at the Bowman Inn.” I should’ve just said there’s always room, but no, I had to go add extra words that made me want to throw up afterwards. What if he took it the wrong way?

“I know, and as I told you, I look forward to it…”

I then feel his breath closer to my cheek, like just bare inches away. I knew he was kneeling in, I knew he was closing the slim gap between us. I wanted to run, scared of what was to come, but yet frozen because I was indisbelief.

What this really happening?

I feel his skin touch mine – for the record, it is as soft as I envisioned, but the hairs on his face certainly tickle a little. I feel those lips, so smooth that it’s even better than I imagine. I feel them against my cheek, ever so slightly and lightly, a slight peck before it’s over – just like that instantly.

Did he really just kiss me? Was this really happening?

“I’ll see you later, Alex,” he tells me before leaving victory lane just like that.

I could only stare there frozen, stuck in thought. Part of me wondered if I dreamed the entire sequence. The other part of me elated in the simple feeling, but yet surprised in how quickly he drew back away.

I remembered his words. He was nervous about continuing to open his heart to only be shattered. He was nervous about the fact that I was nervous in never doing this before.

However, we both knew it without saying – actually, we had finally said it. There had been feelings there for awhile, and now it was our chance to see if we wanted what was of those.

So what was that? Was that a test? Was that a flirt move? What was going to happen the next time we saw each other? Why was he being such a tease, anyway?

“Earth to Bowman!” I hear my PR lady yell, catching me right off-guard as I almost knocked off Miles for the second time today. “Are we done with any photo requests?”

“Yeah,” I answer back, barely comprehending her words as my mind continued to swirl around. The only stopping me from still allowing myself to be lost was hearing my phone go off, and his name on it catching my attention.

 Your skin felt good. You earned that kiss today. I want to show you, love you, and trust you – I hope you’re willing to be patient.

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 20: The Apprehensions

#48: Alex Bowman, Hendrick Motorsports, Chevrolet Camaro Ally Throwback

Alex’s POV

Wednesday, May 12 – Charlotte, North Carolina

“Here’s to another good weekend for everybody,” Kyle Larson says as we finish up their pre-Dover Speedway meeting after going over everything. That wasn’t always my best track, but I felt confident based on the direction we were all heading together this year.

“We could use a pet monster,” William Byron adds, to which I couldn’t argue. Miles was certainly the most unique trophy in motorsports.

I stand up, ready to head out, knowing I wanted to stop by and see Greg to over a couple finer details that we touched upon. It was certainly nice to be back in the shop this season, as nothing beat a walk through seeing the cars worked on up close.

“Hey, can we talk?” His voice instantly stops my thoughts as I look back towards him. Considering we had nothing competitive to speak of, I was surprised he wanted to have this type of conversation at our workplace. That probably wasn’t recommended if we were keeping this secret.

“Absolutely,” I answer back in response, against all better judgment. I didn’t want to give off the wrong idea by denying a conversation. We had made progress and promises that I wasn’t about to backtrack on.

“There’s something that I need to know before, and if we choose to move forward,” which caused my breath to hitch in my throat. This felt like the final negotiation period of a contract, where the other person wants to throw you a curveball in hopes that it doesn’t end everything but wasn’t originally intended. What could be on his mind? “Have you ever done anything like this before?”

“No,” which was probably why I was all over the place with my feelings, whether they were genuine, whether I could truly follow through with this, whether this was a reality or not. I hope it didn’t scare him away as I did want to explore, just because of the tingly sensation I get every time I see him, but I also knew there was risk involved.

“I’m not surprised…” Were my nerves that obvious, or was he doubting every bit of what I was saying? I didn’t want this to be over before it began.

“To be honest, I never thought I could feel anything like this. I never thought I would feel anything like this. It actually doesn’t happen – except for you, and it’s been there for a long as I’ve told you from the beginning. That’s why I’m so nervous, but yet curious at the same time about what could be there. I hope that doesn’t change your mind,” because I don’t know if I could honestly stand straight up rejection for that reason right now.

“I never thought it was possible, either, until Ryan and I were joking around one night. One thing turned into another, and he spit out that he noticed something in me, and wanted to try something. I went along with it – maybe blame the whiskey at first, but the kiss on the cheek just felt right. We went along from there, and as they say – the rest is history, right?” I was always curious how those things happen – how a simple game or drink turns into confession of feelings you never thought possible.

“How could you tell?” Curiosity got the best of me as I never expected this conversation.

“I can tell when you’re nervous, Alex. You can fool the rest of the world but I see you biting the edge of your lip as you contemplate every scenario.” I didn’t even realize I did that when I was nervous. “If I’m being honest, my eyes seem to stare even more when you do that because I wonder and ask many questions about those lips to myself.”

“Maybe I can help you in answering them…” Okay, I didn’t mean to say that out loud, but oh well – no way I am taking that back now.

“Like I told you – I wouldn’t mind this either and Alex, it’s okay to be nervous. I can assure you that I will make sure you are comfortable the whole way, and you can tell me any time when things are going too fast, or you want them to stop. I actually am ready for you to be my student.”

My heart was pacing faster than my breath could keep up, and my brain could barely comprehend what was happening here. Is this reality? Damn it Alex, you better not be dreaming!

Unchartered Waters – Chapter 19: The Photoshoot

Alex’s POV

Tuesday, May 11 – NASCAR on NBC Production Shoot

“I saw you watching…”

Those words send a chill up my spine, almost sending my phone flying out of my hands, as I glance back with a smile in seeing him standing there so close.

That wasn’t a lie, by the way. I was certainly watching as he was going through the different poses they required for their photoshoot. I was certainly allowing my eyes to trace over every feature. I began to let myself wonder, ponder, and question whether and if a future was there – and whether that was what I wanted as Sunday’s words replayed over and over in my mind.

“Alex Bowman, are you going to admit to checking me out?” He questions, to which I finally allow my eyes to look into his. I never realized how much they sparkled as much as they are right now. I could certainly get used to sharing banter back and forth with him.

“Is that a problem?” I question back in response, almost regretting it immediately. What if I was going over the lien here? What if it was too soon for this step? “I told you how I felt and I stand by those words.”

“I know. I remember hearing you say them. It was refreshing to hear that for the first time, to hear you admit how much you care about me.” I thought I had done that through being there, holding him, offering comfort, each of the steps taken to get to this point. But of course, he’d be in pain and as he said, you can only open your heart so much before you stop doing so in fear of it being stomped on.

“I can repeat those words as many times as you need to hear them, if necessary. I can tell you other times where you’ve caught my attention, and I’ve just stared at you, scared you were watching but unable to look away. There’s always been something special about you, Chase, and I don’t want that to change.” I also knew more than anything, the more time we spent together this close, the more teasing, the more I wanted to get to know that side of him just for myself.

“Then perhaps we should spend some more time together.” Was that code for what I was thinking – or was I just jumping to conclusions because of how badly my body wanted it from all this teasing?

“I think I would enjoy that, actually,” no matter what extent because let’s face it, our friendship was great at its value. If more came from that? Hell yeah, I’ll all for it and seeing where things go. The best scenario would perhaps allow all of the feelings to develop, to be explored, and enjoyed. I know it was risk, too, as there could be pain to come in doing so, but the risk was worth the potential reward.

“Perhaps one of those times could be me getting to drive your truck finally.”  Now I had to wonder if he was playing me to get his hands on my toys. I mean, you heard about people doing whatever it took for a racecar ride. What if this was another form of that?

“Are you trying to take advantage of me for my truck?” It actually sounded corny and flirty in asking that in response, but it was the first thing that came to mind.

“There could be very big advantages to this deal, Bowman, for us both..” He then brings his lips even closer to neck, sending a chill up my spine as I feel his breath in my ear. “You may be allowed into that closet of love…”

Excuse me, but where is the closest bathroom? Better yet, does that bathroom have a shower facility for ensuring you are nice and clean? Every part of my skin was clean, but damn I could use that cold shower right now.

Though before I could respond, I feel his lips lightly brush across my neck, before disappearing in the distance.

Breathe Alex, breathe. Holy crap, did that just happen? Breathe Alex…

My heart and head felt like it was spinning out of control, with so many demands and questions.

Did he just do what he think he did? What did that mean moving forward? Was this really happening? Why did my body cringe for more kisses? Where did he go? Did he really mean everything, or were be back at everything with potential regrets? Were those feelings actually true, for both of us? Was I sensing something I didn’t understand because something was there?

Either way, where was that damn cold shower? Why was I stuck here for another couple hours? Everybody was going to see it all over me and know something was up – I could already feel it as the feelings just flew through my system. Was that part of his plan?

In that moment, I had totally forgotten about my phone in my hand, until it buzzed with his name lighting up on the screen.

I’ll see you later, Alex. Your skin tastes amazing.