Lost, Dazed & Confused – Chapter 4

Ryan lets out a sigh as he lays back in the bed, a couple days later, recalling the conversation with Devon. It certainly wasn’t a conversation that he had enjoyed having, nor wanted to continue to think about.


He thought they were truly moving forward beyond what happened. He thought that each day, things would get easier. But yet, here they were, sitting perplexed based on one simple small detail.


He knew throughout his life he had thought about having a family of his own. Mixed in with reaching his dreams in racing was finding a true love, and having a family to call his own, a little life to inspire like the children out there that he wasn’t even near close with. He had found that person, and even started to think about a future, ranging from the wedding to the family. Wouldn’t it be perfect to have two children, a girl and a boy, to call their own?


He remembered hearing the detail, though, that she wouldn’t be able to. He remembered the sadness that formed immediately. He remembered wanting to cry his eyes out to no end in that room with Elliott. He remembered the anger, feeling like he wanted to do something in return for what had happened.


However, he had started to move forward, becoming more and more open to adoption. What if they were able to help a child that lonely? What if they were able to help a child that was thrown to the side? It seemed more reasonable, and along the lines of things that he would do.


That was the line of thinking since the trail of events. However now following the discussion with Devon, he was back on the trail of thought.


He had put off the idea totally to her, out of fear more than anything. He didn’t want to chance losing her. He didn’t know what he’d do if he lost her. He wasn’t about to take a chance at that as he wanted things to remain the same.


Though in the same breath, he understood the optimism that she felt in wanting to explore the options. He also understood her reasoning, having the same thoughts himself. He wondered what could be if they followed through with any piece that she had shared. What if it was possible?


Letting out a sigh, he glances at the list of contacts in his phone, debating whether he should talk to someone, and to whom he should talk to. This wasn’t something that he wanted to discuss with everyone.


Though finally, he knew that he wasn’t going to get anywhere by just laying there so he hit the call button, holding no regrets. Elliott already knew the details of what had happened, having been there when the news was spread. It wouldn’t be as difficult.


“So now you don’t know what to do, right?” Elliott asks after Ryan is done telling him about the full discussion that he had with Devon.


“I’m conflicted on what to do,” Ryan answers as Elliott lets out a sigh.


“Scared of what could happen, but finding it hard to escape the thought? You’re worried about taking a chance, but you’re wanting to take a chance because you want that opportunity?” Those words by Elliott exactly described what Ryan was thinking, whether he was going to admit it or not. “Can I offer you a piece of advice?”


“That’s why I called you.”


“Devon is sort of stuck in a dilemma right now. She’s doing what she can, based on the situation that she’s in. As they say, you give what you give cause they make you trapped inside a place that won’t take you. She feels stuck right now, with no way out. She doesn’t know whether to accept it or try to do something about it. Been in those shoes before?” Ryan couldn’t help but agree with his teammate’s sentiments. It was starting to be put in perspective.


“Yeah, I can. When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was told that I couldn’t race anymore. Rather than simply accepting it, I fought for a way to do it.” Elliott smiled at his end, knowing that he was starting to get through to him.


“Exactly, and look where you are now. Devon is in that same similar situation now, trying to find a way. She’s found options that could possibly work. Why are you to sit there and shut them down immediately?”


“I’m scar-”


“I understand, but with change and uncharted territories comes fear. Go and talk to your parents. I bet they were afraid when you went about what you did. Did they stop you?” Ryan lets out a sigh, knowing that he couldn’t deny it. “The rest of that saying that I just told you goes as follows – and they want you to be what they make you. It’s already over and done. That’s what you’re doing to Devon right now. You’re forcing her in a box. How do you think that makes her feel?”


“So I should just ignore my feelings?” Elliott knew that wouldn’t be fair, and wouldn’t make any progress. He wanted to find a balance, but also find comfort for everyone. He knew making him just listen to her wouldn’t be fair. He didn’t want Ryan to just suppress the emotions for sake of argument. But, he was finding some progress, whether in the intended fashion or not.


“No, but does that mean you should just ignore Devon’s feelings for your sake?” Ryan couldn’t help but let out another sigh. Why did Elliott always do this to him?


“So what the hell am I supposed to do?” Elliott couldn’t help but laugh at his end.


“Be open to the opportunity, check into it before making a simple judgment. She listened to what you had to say, now give her a chance. Give her a chance to change your mind, or perhaps answer the questions as to why it wouldn’t work. What harm would there be in seeing a specialist and talking about this with him?” Ryan knew that wouldn’t hurt anything, even if it meant entertaining the idea in Devon’s mind. He just hated that it felt like they were taking a step forward.


“I guess we could do that.”


“Guess?” Ryan then takes a deep breath.


“Okay, we should do that. I mean, what is the worse that could happen?”



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